Exactly a year ago today, I inadvertently received a phone call from a good friend that changed my life and turn my quarantine world around. Frozen like a deer caught in headlights. An unfathomable revelation that will forever alter my perception of life and made me question my Faith. What I experienced is something I would never wish even on my worse enemies. Everything I thought I knew and believed in the last 8 years shattered in an instant. A traumatic experience that resulted to irreversible damages which ended up hurting different families, circle of friends and potentially other (more) individuals.
It also happened during the peak of the pandemic so there was nowhere to go for me. Three months after, both my parents who were in Manila became unwell and were admitted less than a week apart. When it rains, it pours and it comes in threes. This prompt action I did is so far the hardest ordeal I had to do in my life but I know will turn out to be the most important. Step back and reassess - even if it means risking everything you have built including your comfort, security, familiarity and certainty. You see what you are truly made of when facing a crisis. I knew I had to be logical and my instinct told me right away to do the right thing.
Fast forward to 11 months after, which was only last month. This was the turning point and the concrete finality for us as God unfolded further more situations right in front of me. Never underestimate someone’s ability to make you feel sorry for their mistakes. Comfort is an addicting drug - once you get used to it, dreams and ambitions may go out the window. People never change, they just become more of who they really are. They will only be there if the conditions are right for them. Sometimes it all boils down to good upbringing and a strong core foundation; this I am most fortunate to have thanks to my family.
We have two options: learn and grow, or repeat. The road to recovery and healing has no shortcuts. Shortcuts are dangerous. When emotions are high, intelligence is low. Endure the pain and acknowledge the feeling (every last bit of it!). Take note that it will pass. I thought I had it all figured out, but not really. I was far from it. DABDA does not come in any certain order, it jumps back and forth 1000 times!
I was in a rollercoaster of emotions that in a snap would easily drag me back to square one and into a downward spiral. I was struggling but I picked myself up, again and again and again. Waking up to a new day was such an unpleasant feeling. Anger, rage, regret, depression, anxiety, confusion, grief, darkness and emptiness grew inside me but I held on and continued to fight and survive everyday. Remember that these are valid emotions. It’s okay not to be okay.
Seeing the good in everything was probably my strongest trait which helped me pull through. I focused on the positive and on the things I gained from this experience. Apart from this long term deception, there were heaps more to be thankful of. My whole family is safe, my work is stable, I am living in a Covid free country, my small business is thriving more since the pandemic and it was featured in Preview Magazine last year.
It’s amazing that at 34 years, I still discovered more of myself in a deeper mental and spiritual level. I may have been physically alone here in Australia but I have gained so much more! I have the support of my family and the most amazing best friends who has held my hand literally every single step of the way. When facing a crisis it is vital to only surround yourself with the right people whom you share the same core values and principles (this is non-negotiable). Know your worth. Be resilient. Trust the process. Prioritise yourself. Don’t intentionally hurt others. Rise above. Move forward. Surrender and you will come out of it victoriously. If it costs you your mental health, it’s never worth it. A true apology requires taking accountability and a change in behaviour.
There is no such thing as “wasted time” in the universe. Everything yields benefit and the journey is moulding you for the greater good. Nobody else may see the things that we do, but God sees them ALL. God gives us challenges in different forms - people, relationships and situations. He provides us different avenues to test what we are truly made of and what we are capable of. Trust that He will save and protect you. God is the ultimate scriptwriter. This was indeed one of those stories I thought I would only see in the movies (and Tulfo lol). God won’t give you more than you can’t handle. Forgive for your own peace of mind. Forgiveness and happiness is a choice. Chose not to become a victim of the tragedy. Chose not to hurt nor hate. Forgiveness is not demanding for the apology you think you deserve. Let go and let God.
I am now on the mend but also acknowledging that this will still be a long journey for me as I refuse to take shortcuts. One step back, two steps forward. I have gained so much more from this experience compared to what was lost. Believe in peace and restoration. One thing I learned is that there is no shame in being a victim. Remember that things could be worse because you could be them. For those who are facing their own battles remember that God will manoeuvre things in your favour. Moving the wrong people out of the way, lining up good breaks and turning negative situations around. Use your tragedy and experience as a blessing. Never pressure yourself to heal all at once. Everything is going to be okay because you have you. You are separated from this. This is not your identity. This will not define who you are. Live with light, peace and love.
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Kamille San Pedro is an ER Nurse in a big government hospital. She has been residing in Australia since 2015.