INTRODUCTION BY VIOLI CALVERT
My mother said I am a born storyteller. It is true that one of my passions is to share and highlight the inspiring stories of our kababayans. I do these through my freelance writing and Radio Tagumpay volunteer work.
In this article, I wish to share the experience and battle with mental illness of Radio Tagumpay’s Contributor from South Australia, Christine Dieckmann. In her initial interview on Radio Tagumpay, Christine spoke about the dark period of her life. When I asked her if she would like to share her experiences with our readers, she happily agreed to do so. By sharing her experiences, she hopes to provide support to those who may be experiencing similar problems.
In the last several months, numerous stories of violence causing serious injuries and even deaths have dominated news broadcasts. Many of these incidents were attributed to varying degrees of mental illness of the perpetrators of the crimes. Families of the deceased and injured people feel that justice is not served as the perpetrators are given a “slap on the wrist” or sent away for vacation (treatment). These may seem unfair but for most of the cases, that is the reality when the sentences given take into account the mental illness of the person at the time the crime was committed.
Over the years, there have been many Inquiries into what the government should be prioritising in mental health. One of these was the Productivity Commission’s report. The scope of the Inquiry and the subsequent report focus on some key influences on people's mental health, examines the effect of mental health on people’s ability to participate and prosper in the community and workplace, and implications more generally for our economy and productivity.
The report submitted recommendations to the Australian and State and Territory Governments, to improve the mental health of people of all ages and diverse cultural backgrounds, working with people who have experiences of mental illness, and with their families and carers.
The Inquiry’s final report was handed to the Australian Government on 30 June 2020 and released publicly on 16 November 2020.
But now, we are glad to share the story of Christine, in her own words.
The Voices in My Head by Christine Dieckmann
Life has never been easy for a lot of us. Every time I ponder on my past and think of the challenges I hurdled, I cannot help but smile. I usually go for a walk either in the morning or afternoon to clear my head and have a quiet moment. This is when I reflect and think, and this is also when I escape from this fast-paced journey called life. In one of my walks, I remember thinking “Why am I still here? I hated it here”. Then all the memories of my struggles with mental health came flashing back.
So how did it all start?
Like many of us, my journey in life had never been easy. I was born and raised in the Philippines. I cannot say that my childhood was perfect. Like many others, my family had struggles. I did not come from an affluent family. My parents would work day and night and create opportunities for themselves so they could provide for us and give us the life they never had. Because of my parents' hard work and the help that they received from relatives abroad, my two sisters and I all finished our education and earned degrees. It was always something my parents would always be proud of.
My father once said that we may not have all the luxuries in life, but that does not mean that we are less than those who have more. We have a good education that we can use as a ticket to advance in life and fulfill our dreams. Fast forward to 2008, an opportunity to come to Australia came knocking on my door. I thought to myself that this could be the chance for success that my father was referring to.
I was full of hopes and dreams when I first came to Australia. I promised myself that I would not be a failure. During this time, I was still suffering from the loss of my grandmother who died in my arms. I also felt that I was a failure as I did not graduate with honours in college. I was also not able to finish my law degree and will never be able to give back to my parents. For a 24-year-old, I thought that was too much to take, and little did I know that I would face more challenges and struggles in a foreign country.
My first year in Australia was the hardest as I found it hard to cope with homesickness and culture shock. Aside from that, I was also studying and working three jobs simultaneously. I never thought that I would be peeling potatoes and cleaning toilets so to speak, when I went to Australia. But I needed to make a living to support myself and send financial support for my family back home.
Every time I felt lonely and alone, I would always think of my parents and imagine that someday I would be able to give them the life that they deserve. Because of too much stress and pressure that I put on myself, I started developing symptoms of depression and anxiety. I was losing sleep, couldn’t concentrate on my studies, was missing work, and eventually lost my job. These caused my mental health to get worse.
Paranoia and hearing voices crept to the point that I could no longer separate what was real and what was not. The voices kept getting louder until they became antagonistic and dictatorial. They started controlling my thoughts, my wants, my fears, and my behaviour. They questioned my struggles, my challenges, and my reason for living. Until I had enough and attempted to take my life for the very first time by overdosing on my medicines.
I woke up feeling miserable. I remember hating God and everyone around me. For these reasons, I decided to take my own life again. To think that twice was not enough, I did it again and again. It was at this time that my family decided that I should come home so they could take care of me. I said to myself, I don’t want to go home a failure. I don’t want to see my parents cry and in pain. It is not the kind of reunion I always dreamed of.
I went back to the Philippines for the very first time in 2010 feeling disappointed in myself. I asked myself, “What now?”. All the self-crucifixion I felt at the time disappeared when I saw my mum in the airport waiting for me, full of tears and smiles. Our first embrace was the hardest; a mother longing to see her child, and a child eager to be with her mum. That first embrace washed away all my pains, hate, and struggles. I remember responding to the voices in my head, saying “I am safe, I am home, I am loved”.
To be diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression with symptoms of psychosis is like fighting a demon in my head. My mind was a battlefield. Every day I was fighting to survive. I was battling with the unknown voices in my head. Sometimes I would win and there were times that I would lose. These sad moments were when I would scream while talking, fighting, arguing, and laughing with the unknowns in my head. I remember seeing my mum crying and asking me to “stop”. That’s when I went back to reality, hugged my mum so tightly, and promised her that I would get better. True to my words, I worked hard to recover and promised myself that I would not want to see my mother cry again because of my health. I went back to Australia after 6 months, full of hopes and dreams this time braver and stronger.
The light at the end of the tunnel
Through hard work and perseverance, I finished my degree in accounting and landed a good job in the education sector. It was during this time that I met my husband. 18 October 2023 was when we marked our 10th wedding anniversary. It was a milestone and something that we will always be thankful for and proud of.
One night, my husband and I were watching the movie “A Beautiful Mind” which is a story about a famous mathematician and his struggles with mental health. I was in awe while watching it as I could resonate with almost everything that happened to him. The hallucinations that I experienced were completely different from his, but the pain and struggles I believe, would have been the same.
Just like John Nash in the movie, my story is a story of hope, love, and forgiveness. We all have a story to tell but I hope that by sharing my journey, you will feel inspired and motivated to press on with life despite all the trials and tribulations that come your way. If I can, I’m confident that you ‘can’ too.
CHRISTINE, SHINING AFTER THE DARK HOURS BY VIOLI CALVERT
Christine is an amazing survivor! In her darkest hours, she attempted more than once to take her own life to end the pain and suffering. However, once she got a grip on the issues, she shined brilliantly and achieved so much. Below are some information of her success we gathered from her application to join Radio Tagumpay.
2010 - Completed Advanced Diploma in Accounting from Australian Institute of Commerce and Language (Sydney)
2012 - Completed Bachelor in Accounting from the Australian Institute of Higher Education (Sydney); Achievements/Awards: Semester 2: Dean's Lister; Student Council President
2022 - Completed Graduate Certificate of Global Project Management (GPA: 6.4/7) at Torrens University Australia (Adelaide)
2024 - Completed Master of Global Project Management (GPA: 6.45/7) at Torrens University Australia (Adelaide)
2024 - Student, Graduate Certificate of Policy and Governance at Queensland University of Technology (Brisbane)
Recognitions:
Recipient - January 2019 Bloom Award (Uniting NSW/ACT Learning and Development Team)
Nominee - 2018 With Heart Excellence Awards for Quality (Uniting NSW/ACT)
Nominee - 2018 With Heart Excellence Awards for Safety (Uniting NSW/ACT)
Recipient - Excellence Award (UNSW College)
Volunteer activities:
Radio Tagumpay South Australia Contributor - Current
Swinburne University of Technology - Course Advisory Member (consultation process for the accreditation of their Diploma of Business - December 2022
Volunteer, Red Cross Australia - 2015
Fundraiser, BeyondBlue - 2015/2016
WHO YOU GONNA CALL?
Government agencies such as the Productivity Commission can only make broad issues and recommend that if specific help or advice is needed, one of the services below can be contacted:
Each one of us also need to look out for one another. A lot can happen that our partner/spouse, friends, colleague, family member, relative and family members maybe going through a rough patch in life. If you have noticed they have been quiet or have not made an appearance in their usual activities, a simple phone call or a conversation over coffee maybe helpful to get them work out what is troubling them. A sincere question of R u okay? may encourage them to unburden themselves of their worries. Let's care for one another so that we can all live happily together.